I CANT THINK OF ANY TITLES!!!

hey guys, my creative juices are srsly drained now. cant think of any new title for the post. well i think its either a lack of sleep or stress but my brain is like on dream mode these few days. really cant think.

well today i srsly sort of broke down. sort of went emo today. it first started after dinner when i just got mad at my dad for something tt he did (not gonna tell u wad it was:P) and after tt got really emo. started to really feel a burden in how im serving God and everything. i mean im serving God wholeheartedly in CF but when i look at my church life, i feel tt im not really serving Him in church and additionally, i really dont feel attached to my church the way i think i shld. i mean i like my church and everything but there isnt this feeling tt i will stay in it for the rest of my life. i have grown up in Glory Joy since i was young and i love the pple in there, its just for some reason i feel something missing.

well after my dad and i cleared everything up, i really poured out everything to my parents. u see, im really worried abt how pple see me. i dont really care abt their opinion of me as a person, since really only wad God sees matters, but i want pple to see a good testimony in me. the problem is tt because im so busy with sch and cf, i dont seem very committed in church. my parents have been worried abt my studies and have asked me not to attend cell grp since im alr getting my spiritual feeding through cf. and i mean tts a valid reason but do the youths in my church noe tt? im not really worried abt the older ones cos im sure they understand but for the younger ones, they may think tt its ok to not go for cell grp cos a deacon's son does not go without noeing the true reason why.

i mean even after the yf is implemented i will of course be attending regularly but once in a while i might not be able to go cos of some sch or cf event and the younger ones may think tt its ok to skip yf once in a while. u see, im not really worried abt how they might think of me but im worried of wad they may think its ok without noeing the whole story. tts wad has really burdened me. they might also see me not really actively serving in church and think tt there is no need to serve.

i really feel burdened for these young pple and tts why i really want the yf to succeed. i initially really wanted to help out but thinking abt it, i really do not have the time to commit myself. when i told my parents this, they really understood where im coming from and like told me tt there is a season for everything. this might be the season where im serving God through CF and there may come a season where im helping out in the yf but its all in God's timing. all i have to do is trust God and His timing. and on the being a testimony part, they said it was something tt cannot be helped and the only thing tt i can do is to pray tt they would come to understand the whole story.

well on my church, i really love my church and the adults. i have grown up with them and they have seen me grow. the real problem i find is with myself mainly. i mean i think im just too different from the other church members. i just cant click with them. i can talk to the adults but the age gap is too big tt we cant be close. the youths on the other hand tt are arnd my age and younger have too different a background tt we dont really have much to talk abt. most of them speak more chi than me too so like i dont get some of their jokes. then comes the young adults. they are the grp tt i can speak most comfortably with but cos of the age gap too there comes sort of like a barrier? i noe tt the older guys try to include me in once in a while but i still feel left out sometimes. i noe it cant be helped so im just glad tt they try. so cos of who i am, i really dont feel like i belong in the church. quite ironic rite, i have been in the church longer than any of the young adults or youths but i feel the least belonged. and tts one of the reasons im quite in favour of merging with BCC cos i feel more comfortable with their youths than my own. this has really put some thoughts of changing church in my mind but well tts something for sometime in the far flung future.

when i expressed this to my parents, they told me tt i shld continue to try to integrate myself with the church and tt if really God leads me to another church in the future, they would support me but as long as God has placed me in this church, to make the most out of it. anyways i wouldnt leave the church without seeing the youths grow first. tt is my burden first and foremost and i feel tts wad God wants me to do. maybe now, maybe sometime in the future, ill just have to wait. i still love the church anyways so its not bad staying in this church tt i have grown in.

i mean maybe its cos of the tiredness or stress tt made me think of all these thoughts or maybe its God making me think. i dont noe why i had these feelings but i really thank God for parents who are able to help me through difficult times such as these and friends tt i noe i can talk to. well tmr got the game programming course again. then after tt gonna rush down to the church building for our monthly prayer meeting. pls continue to pray for me tt ill continue to trust God in His timing and for me to have strength for tmr. wow another super long post. thx for reading this if u made it all the way. k then gonna turn in soon. cyas:)