Stuff That I Want To Say

hey guys, got a lot of things weighing on my mind today and so this will be a reeeeaaaaaaaalllllllllyyyyyyyy long post. well i didnt post yesterday cos i was busy playing guitar hero world tour tt i just got until 11pm and after tt went to pick up my sis from the budget terminal (which is really budget) cos she came back from hong kong. well tt was yesterday and today i really enjoyed myself fellowshipping with the cf-ers at the bbq gathering. but well, i was still thinking abt my wrk at tt time and was still quite stressed over it. and tts where the problems started...

well the hols are coming to an end and well, as usual im stressed out over my studies, over the cf prog for next yr and although i shldnt be, the yf situation at church. im gonna be ranting over my probs in the above areas next so as always, if u cant stand my ranting, just skip over the next few paras.

so as most of u noe, ive got sub papers at the start of the sch yr. and well...im still way behind on my revision and my maths is killing me. i noe i get distracted really often but tts not the main prob. its tt i keep not noeing how to do the ques and its just really frustrating. a lot of pple have told me tt i can look for them for help but i really dont want to bother them. the tuition teacher tt weiying introduced to me has not told me when he is free yet so i basically have no help. i just really feel lost when i get down to wrk so i think tts why i distract myself further with either the com or going out. but i still am reminded abt my wrk somehow and i guess tt makes me more stressed when im out cos i feel like i shld be studying instead of being outside.

the cf schedule is not really the stressful thing rite now. its just tt with all the distractions and stress from mainly the studying i have to do, i cant really focus on the schedule and praying abt it. and well tts quite frustrating. i seek the Lord for help but the waiting is also the killer rite now. i have to send out all these things to the comm and teachers but i dont seem to have any direction from God. i feel God is slowly speaking to me and i have a direction for some of it but its like the other parts are missing. and so as i wait upon the Lord, sometimes i get frustrated with why He isnt speaking to me.

then comes the yf. i noe im not really responsible for it or anything so i shldnt feel stressed but i still do feel somewhat responsible for it. tts why i have been going arnd giving my opinions to anyone who would hear them. i feel responsible cos i feel tt God has put me in cf for the experience and exposure to this kind of thing and i just feel responsible to all those pple tt we have lost and for those tt have not been fed to bring them back and to feed them. so i feel somewhat powerless to fulfil this sense of responsibility tt i have and well tts srsly frustrating. like have u felt the burden to do something but had no power to do anything abt it? tts how i totally feel rite now. i mean i dont want to overstep my boundaries (my parents taught me well k?) and like ask to be in the comm cos its being run by the young adults.

well tt is basically wads burdening my heart rite now and well i really thank God for such great friends and a really great comm to help me through this time. kim has really helped me in coming out with the direction for this yr and jiap has really encouraged me to wrk hard for my studies and to trust Him always. just before writing this post, jiap talked to me abt my studies and her words really encouraged me. and i really thank God for the rest of my comm who are always there whenever i need someone to talk to, especially jan. my fam has also really been a blessing to me with my parents being so understanding abt my results and my fam helping me in my spiritual walk with God and being a sound board for all my thoughts abt the yf. oh and guess wad, after doing my qt, He has shown me the rest of His plan for discipleship. Praise the Lord!!

i think tt God is really teaching me abt trusting Him and realising the pple tt He has blessed me with.

but yet another thing really struck me quite recently. i have been having some sort of identity crisis lately and well i dont really noe wad to do. for all my friends tt i say im close to, i think only a few have seen all my diff personalities. maybe i have a case of split personalities or wadever it may be, i just find tt its so difficult for pple to truly noe me. the pple in cf noe me as the nice, happy person (i think) but some pple who do not noe me tt well may think im this mean person who likes to suan pple (IM ONLY JOKING!!!). to my class im this quiet person who sleeps during class. to my churchies who im not really close to, im this serious, quiet but nice person and to those who noe me better, the fun, nice person. i find tt i used to be really quiet but since joining cf, i have become more sociable. im try to always be nice (hopefully tt can be seen) but i like to joke a lot (yea i noe a lot of it can be really lame) and so pple who used to think of me as this serious person dont really get my jokes and think tt im serious when im joking. its like really hard cos those who noe me noe tt im joking while those tt dont noe me would think im serious and have a bad impression of me. but i find tt if i change myself further, im gonna have a really serious case of an identity crisis. who am i really, the nice, caring, quiet, serious guy? or the nice, caring, fun-loving, joking guy? well at least the two identities are similar in tt im both nice and caring and well tts just who i am (i hope). could u pls let me noe who u think i am? do i really seem like the fun-loving, joking guy or is tt all in my head? do u find tt im nice or caring? or is tt in my head to? i think i just realised i have self-esteem issues but tts for another post. i just need everyone to noe who i am. i just need to noe tt first.

well i think tts all ive gotta say today. i really thank God for reminding me to trust in Him and to thank Him for all the blessings tt He has given me. gonna sleep now cos got church tmr. wow i just spent 1 hr typing this. haha ok ill just leave u with this vid. rmb my first ever post where i said tt this vid tt jiap showed spoke to me? well saw it on the salt blog and found it on youtube so here it is.



cyas:)