HIATUS OVER!!!

hey guys the long dreaded hiatus is finally over. wad really got me to start writing again is tt i really felt tt my life was going through a crappy stage. its like i dont really noe wads wrong just tt something is wrong. well terms are gonna start in a few hrs but thankfully the papers tt i have today arent tt bad. anyways as most of u noe i dont really get stressed out over my studies so tt cant be the reason im feeling crappy right?

well maybe cf is tiring me out. i sometimes find myself asking whether im doing more than wad is expected of me. so maybe its just my own fault im tired out. my portfolio is alr so much and maybe im too nice or wadever trying to help my other comm members out but isnt tt wad i as a comm member shld do? i mean if i see tt someone needs my help obviously i cant just leave the person to do it by themselves. if i can help why not help rite? actually i think tt the main thing tt totally crapped my life are the j1s. i mean the j1s are totally cool and i love them but i just dont noe how to do things to accommodate them. like the ngs. oh my pong the ngs. THE NGS!!!!!! tt totally stresses me out. finding the ngls and sorting them out was totally tough but now tt ive gotten the ngs totally nicely in place, i cant find ngls tt are willing to take up the responsibility. i mean the responsibility isnt tt much but if they feel tt it isnt wad God has in store for them who am i to argue? its just tt its really tough to find regular CF-ers who are able to be ngls. i mean if i can get the councillors to be ngls my life would be so easy but they arent regular cos of their council stuff and there are other pple tt i would like to use tt are just too busy.

just to make a slight tangent, i realised something today tt made me come back to writing. is life so crappy tt i have no time to write or isit crappy cos i dont write. i mean after i started this blog my life really was more lifted cos i could express my feelings but after getting too distracted with my life i didnt really get to express my feelings. i tried talking it out with my good friends but its really different when u get to type it out. and so back to the point abt my crappy life. i think another part abt cf tt stresses me out is tt im wondering why pple cant help me when im like going arnd helping pple. not to name names but sometimes its just so hard when u ask for some help and their reason why they cant help is tt they are too tired or some other crappy reason. i mean arent i tired too? and then u tell me because u are too tired why not just scrap the whole idea and then u blame me as ur reason for scrapping the idea in the first place. why not u just tell me tt u are too tired and tt i shld go by myself to get the stuff. i mean its better than telling me to scrap the idea. i dont want to praise myself or anything and i dont really care whether u noe wad i do for cf cos all tt matters is tt the pple tt matter noe but i went to buy stuff for the cf welcome tea even though i was really sick. i mean those of u tt saw me sick knew i was totally zoning out and dying but i still went out of my way to get the stuff. and u give me this stupid reason tt u are too tired? i mean of course u give me tt reason i wont force u lahs but come on. i noe tt u are stressed out and busy with ur sch wrk but cant u just help me out abit?

dont get me wrong. i love helping other pple out be it for chapel or the birthday stuff but why cant anyone help me when i need it? its just so screwed up. actually im not really pissed at the comm as pple cos i really really love them but its just their wrk ethic mainly tt pisses me off. in some sort of way i feel tt our portfolios are so different tt basically when we wrk we are sort of segregated. i mean decisions we will always make as a comm but when it comes to our individual portfolios such as discipleship or worship, its all just the pple in charge. so tts why there is not much help given in between each area of cf. well tts wad it may seem like but we still can help each other even if we dont noe the other area well. its just tt i dont see much of this help given rite now. and i dont noe why tt is. maybe its just me. maybe its not. how shld i noe.

i just find myself so stressed out over cf tt even during worship im busy msging the ngls abt ng time and trying to settle stuff (sry ngls) so i just feel tt there is a lot of burden as the discipleship ic cos like the whole running of the cf session is under my portfolio. the schedule the speaker the topic are all under me. wad one comm member said also has given me some stress. i mean its of course a valid point(all her points always are) but she asked me to make sure ng time is fun. tt sort of gave me additional stress cos i have given ng time up to the ngls to carry out as and how they like it and i dont really want to usurp the authority tt i have given them in a sense. like i dont want to tell them how to run their ng time. so now the stress tt i have is tt wad if ng time is not fun or even good? i mean before the j1s came in everyone knew each other and just had fun talking but now if the j1s dont have fun or does not enjoy ng time, would they come back again? and if tt is the case am i to blame? if the topic does not seem exciting or fun and the j1s are turned off by it am i to blame? am i to blame if the cf meeting does not go well? actually i just figured out wad is wrong with me in cf. i keep on thinking whether i am to blame and it just puts on the burden.

well ive ranted off quite a bit and i sort of have more things to say but its getting late and ive got papers tmr so im gonna go off rite now. cyas:(